Go girl, do ya thing: What happens when you let yourself win

Battling "success guilt" and allowing ourselves to take what is ours

“As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marianne Williamson

In a few months, I am embarking on the millennial dream of packing my bags, loading up the U-Haul, and moving to New York City. And while I’m absolutely thrilled to feel the rush of Manhattan, the epicenter of cultural change, I am extremely terrified that it will swallow me whole.

I’ve received an outpour of support from my family, friends, former teachers and professors, etc. since my graduate school acceptance. People who I didn’t even realize were following my journey sent me heartfelt messages detailing their elation in my achievements. These often go something like this: “So excited for you to start your life in the big city!” and “Off to bigger and better!” or “North Carolina couldn’t handle you!”. These heartfelt notes of positivity and encouragement render me dumbstruck as I realize I had spent the last few years convincing myself and not others that I could do this.

The result of such overwhelming support is, expectantly, overwhelming gratitude, but also an ineffable guilt. I can’t help but notice the underlying theme of many of these expressions. Ushering each message of support is a common notion intricately woven through their words. Off to “bigger and better” implies that I have somehow outgrown the very people, institutions, and spaces that got me here, which could not be farther from the truth. In fact, knots of guilt mangle in my stomach when I attempt to bear the thought that I could somehow leave behind the foundation of my ambition. The truth is, I owe everything to my roots: Without Elon, there is no Manhattan. Without Western Alamance, there is no Columbia University. Without AP Psychology, there is no Ph.D. Without a youth group, there is no desire to develop community programs. Without shoulders to lean on, there is no strength to stand on. Simply-without you, there is no me.

I’ve also experienced the opposite: silence. Silence from loved ones, former professors, and others whom I thought were in my corner. For every word of encouragement, the empty space of those whom I thought I would have heard from intensifies. Their silence is indeed loquacious, offering locutions of opposition and abandonment. I’ve found that silence is often indicative of similar feelings expressed by those who outwardly support me. Those who fall silent in times of celebration also believe I am off to “bigger and better”, ready to leave the “little and inferior” and flourish elsewhere. Their fear breeds disproval and as a result, I question myself for fulfilling my purpose.

Equal amounts of guilt accompany the silent treatment. Somehow the need to realize my dreams and fulfill my purpose has been dichotomized with my allegiance to my roots and gratitude for my upbringing.

The term “Impostor Syndrome” helps explains this unique feeling. This term refers to an internal experience of believing that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be and often plagues those who are underrepresented in their sought-after spaces (ex. A woman may experience imposter syndrome in a career dominated by men, a Black person may experience imposter syndrome in academia, etc.). I believe impostor syndrome can be perpetuated by our environments and social circles as well as our own doubts and fears.

However, I also believe there is something additional going on for a lot of us who come marginalized populations and/or rural or low-resourced areas seeking to further our educations and chase our dreams. Sadly, it has been ingrained in us that we exist for others and not ourselves and thus, guilt ensues. This guilt often stems from the following:

1) The fear that pursuing lofty educational or career goals implies becoming a sellout

Remember: Your people do want you to succeed. What they don't want is for you to forget them in the process. Staying mindful of what/who propelled you forward as well as having humble reasons for pursuing opportunities will help you stay grounded and reassure those who have doubts. Similarly, we have to remember that success is not betrayal. Success yields power for positive and transformative change.

2) The fear of not being able to measure up to expectations set by ourselves, our social networks, and/or society

Remember: You got this far. As Paulo Coelho writes in The Alchemist: "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." While we may get frustrated with the difficulty it takes to achieve our dreams, true failure only results from giving up. Ignore the timelines, the comparison, and the millions of voices in your head- follow your intuition, keep the faith, and you will surpass your goals. You are meant to be where you are and the desires of your heart are intentional. "Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit."-Napoleon Hill.

3) The primordial belief that excellence, in my case, Rural, Southern Black excellence, is an unachievable and irresponsible dream.

Remember: When we let ourselves win, we experience complete liberation. The feeling that only comes from allowing ourselves to push boundaries, break barriers, expand our capacity, and actualize our potential. We have been taught to think that dreaming big is selfish and reckless when it is the most forward-thinking and humanitarian act one can do. And I think, this is why those in power have worked so hard to make sure that we don’t! Systems are in place to teach and prevent us from a young age of ever reaching our full potential. Their deepest fear? That we will become “Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens them.”-Marianne Williamson.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that these sources of guilt are absurd. However, it can take copious amounts of time and understanding to not fall into the trap of believing in inherent inferiority. For many of us women, racial/ethnic minorities, rural community members, etc., we have grown up with subtle reminders that we are not enough. Consequentially, we believe that anything good, any dream we conjure up or opportunity we receive, is ultimately futile. Ironically, the very people and things that inspired us to chase our dreams, often hold us back from realizing them.

If you find yourself experiencing these feelings, you are not alone. Like I said before, many people who have been marginalized or set back have experienced the chasms of self vs. family, self vs. community, or self vs. society.

Luckily, this is a false dichotomy meaning, we don’t have to choose! I am a strong believer that God (or the universe or whatever higher power you choose to believe in) reveals himself most earnestly through the desires of our hearts. That’s why I love that Marianne Williamson quote so much as she explains how allowing our light to shine sets off a ripple effect and frees others to do the same. Investing in ourselves is the best thing we can do for the ones we love. Collectivism (the idea that we prioritize the group over the individual) accompanies many marginalized communities. While choosing to move to a big city or take a financial risk can seem riddled with pure self-interest from the outside (or even in our own thinking!), the potential benefit for your community and generations to come is worthwhile. Not to mention, the personal satisfaction derived from pursuing our wildest dreams transforms us into resilient, dynamic beings thus increasing our ability to bring joy to our lives and others. 

 So go on, get what's yours and watch the magic happen.